There is a line in the Netflix show, Bojack Horseman, that I find useful when thinking about relationships, “When you look at someone through rose-coloured glasses, all the red flags just look like flags”. This quote sums up why it’s so important to be able to identify and name behaviours in relationships which may be unhealthy and find ways to nurture healthy behaviours.
Unhealthy Behaviours
In unhealthy relationships, one person has power and control. Sometimes, it’s difficult to know if your relationship is healthy. Here are a few signs that will hopefully help you take off your rose-coloured glasses and spot those red flags.
- Possessiveness and jealousy.
- Reading your messages and wanting the passwords to your social media.
- Isolating you from your friends and family.
- Threatening harm to you or themselves.
- Threatening your whānau, friends, pets, or property.
- Yelling or breaking things when they’re angry.
- Telling you how to behave.
- Putting you down and belittling you.
- Making you feel responsible for their actions or that it’s your job to keep them happy.
- You think that being with them is better than being on your own. Or you think you can change them.
- You feel embarrassed when you hang out in public.
- Your gut is telling you that the relationship is unhealthy.
Healthy Behaviours
A healthy relationship doesn’t mean it’s perfect and they don’t look the same for everyone because people have different needs. Those needs may change over time or depend on the people in the relationship.
However, there are behaviours you could work towards to help your relationship flourish.
- You are a team. You work together and support each other.
- Open communication. You can be honest without fearing how the other person will respond.
- The relationship feels balanced, and everyone puts in effort to make it successful.
- You have fun together!
- You have space to be independent outside of the relationship.
- Everyone takes responsibility for their actions.
- You have healthy ways to resolve conflict. Disagreements and arguments are OK and normal. What matters is how you approach that conflict – honesty and respect are key.
- The relationship moves at a comfortable pace.
- You respect each other’s boundaries.
If you need to talk to someone about your relationship:
- Atawhai Ākonga | Student Care
- Te Waka Pākākāno – UC Māori, Pacific, and Rainbow students
- Te Whare Hauora | UC Health Centre
- Aviva
- Safe to Talk
- Family Planning
- 1737
- Love is Respect
You can find more info about Healthy Relationships here.
Storm Gardner
UC Student Care Advisor
Sexual Harm Support